| Dakota's coming over in literally a few minutes.
I need to write more.
the sharpie on my arm seems to be getting smudged, so copy here:
STAR WARS w/ concert speakers
"countrified soul"
"should be sleeping"
--> youtube?dak
----->Real Love [uns?]
*lights
*camera
*TD
--> tour or local?
"every ____ belongs to you" - JOEY -> KAIT
[summer08] beginning = end
ext. list *banjo
WRITE ABOUT.
and those are the notes, in order from shoulder to hand. tank tops leave more writing space [ftw]
<3 to all | comments: Tell me you love me:   |
| | Subject: | it's been a while | | Time: | 05:45 pm |
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|
What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03)
created with QuizFarm.com |
| You scored as Utilitarianism Your life is guided by the principles of Utilitarianism: You seek the greatest good for the greatest number.
“The said truth is that it is the greatest happiness of the greatest number that is the measure of right and wrong.”
--Jeremy Bentham
“Whenever the general disposition of the people is such, that each individual regards those only of his interests which are selfish, and does not dwell on, or concern himself for, his share of the general interest, in such a state of things, good government is impossible.”
--John Stuart Mill
More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page...
Utilitarianism |
| 75% | Hedonism |
| 70% | Existentialism |
| 60% | Kantianism |
| 55% | Justice (Fairness) |
| 45% | Apathy |
| 35% | Strong Egoism |
| 30% | Divine Command |
| 25% | Nihilism |
| 0% |
|
 | | comments: Tell me you love me: |
| | Time: | 11:07 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/sleepy.gif) sleepy |
|
| Things re: Dakota significantly improved. Sammy is my awesomeness and confrontation-buddy.
so, I wake up, and the first intelligible thing I say is:
"Soft, ho! What trunk is here
without his top? The ruin speaks that sometime
it was a worthy building. How! a page!
or dead, or sleeping on him?"
...I need a life sooooo bad.
btw, that's my first line as Caius Lucius, my 2nd character. I apparently have it memorized.
no nightmares. I dreamed about Morgan, fashion museums, and candy stores. and Morgan. because I love her.
and I've called her both Sammy and Morgan in the same post.
yay insane. | | comments: comment-luff or Tell me you love me: |
| | Current Music: | It's Only Love - The Beatles | | Current Location: | room. | | Time: | 07:52 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/numb.gif) numb, or working toward it |
|
| [last week, up until tuesday]
me [Sunday, 11:08PM]:
we need to talk.
this means you need to call me sometime. soon. not in two weeks.
I'm home from around 4, camp days.
please.
love you <3
[gonna try to sleep early; have to get up by 8. sorry for not being on if you come online.]
him [Monday, 2:04 AM]:
Okay, I'll call you sometime this week.
I love you too.
♥
me [Monday, 6:30PM]:
I feel like I'll die if you don't. Which, though completely unlikely, kind of sucks.
rawrrrrr *dies* camp made me tireder.
<3<3
him [Tuesday, 10:40 PM]:
W00t! Found my charger!
Sorry for not calling you, but I'll surprise you before the weekend.
:sweat:
♥
me [Tuesday, 11:31PM]:
yay! awesomeness.
morgan says: how is dakkypoo?
(is it weird that i have a more lovey-dovey nickname for your boyfriend than you do?)
I laughed.
<3<3
him [Today, 6:39 PM]:
I suck at keeping promises... I can't call you... I just can't...
Um, you can tell her that I'm fine and I'm off destroying my enemies' villages in the land of the interwebs.
And that is a little weird...
♥
me [Today, 6:40 PM]
k. will do.
weirdness is practically tradition, though.
<3<3
him [Today, 6:45 PM]:
God, the long-ness was annoying.
M'kay.
Oh?
♥
me [Today, 6:47 PM]:
sorry.
except she's not online right now.
well, yeah. Alsion = weird?
Today is Lydia's birthday. and Morgan's.
<3<3
him [Today, 6:53 PM]::
No, it's okay.
Morgan went to Alsion?
Really? I completely forgot... :sweat:
♥
me [Today, 6:58 PM]:
k.
no, but I thought you'd be used to weirdness by now, since you go to Alsion. I could've made that clearer, I guess.
well, you should call her or something, though I guess you'll see her soon. we might go bowling later, since I couldn't go to her party tonight.
<3<3
him [Today, 7:25 PM]:
Your phrasing was a little difficult to understand, but it could be that I use like 0.001% of my brain during summer. I've forgotten how to do simple f-ing math!
Gah... Brain = dead. I can't really comprehend anything right now, sorry.
♥
me [7:29]:
k. of course, I'm at Shakespeare camp and I still can't add, so it's not just you.
should I just talk to you later, then?
<3<3
-----
waiting. | | comments: Tell me you love me: |
| The Spice Girls move "Spiceworld" is pretty much the worst movie I have ever seen.
I'm going to watch it again in a month. | | comments: comment-luff or Tell me you love me: |
| STOP FUCKING SNORING
I can't decide whether to scream or to cry. It's so frustrating to not be able to sleep because she never fucking stops snoring.
I'm going to leave the computer on all night and sleep in the damn bathtub. If they want to use the bathroom, they have to listen to my damn music. Not that it could ever be as loud as she is.
She makes the most disgusting noises.
Tomorrow night is the last night. Then I get my own room at grandma's. with a door. I can play music softly all night long if I want. which i do.
no radio kills me. | | comments: comment-luff or Tell me you love me: |
| I'm afraid to blog about it. I will later, but for now I need to not focus it. Just accept it kinda sucks, and later it won't.
I am, however, afraid to try to sleep in this state. | | comments: 3 comment-luffs or Tell me you love me: |
| so it's 2:09 in the morning. Kevin updated facebook status by phone 4 minutes ago. I sit here, clutching the phone, desperately wishing I could work up the courage to call him and beg him to talk to me. The last day of finals will otherwise begin with my near self-destruction.
But I am afraid, and I am lost.
...this is the first time I have tried texting. this phone is utter fail. need new one. don't even know if there was a signal to send. however, if fail phone messages actually sent, will not be ashamed of explaining.
fuckit, where are my people? I am going to be desperate. I am. | | comments: 3 comment-luffs or Tell me you love me: |
| | Time: | 03:36 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/disappointed.gif) disappointed, depressed, FAIL |
|
| I am alone because of my choices. I choose to be alone, and I make the choices that put me in a position to feel alone. This is no one's fault but my own, and so I don't go to anyone. I've failed enough today.
I'm lazy. I tend to oversleep. This often causes me to be late to first period. Due to my excessive number of tardies, I am assigned 3-hour after school detention. For today. From 3:20 to 6:20. However, one needs their ID to get in. I forgot about this this morning, and forgot to grab it. I should've asked mom to go back when I remembered about it, but then she might be late. So I didn't. She offered to get it and bring it down when she got home, and I told her it was probably in the bathroom on the table where I usually keep it, but I didn't make it clear enough and, well, I should've had it anyway. So that didn't happen. Cue rushing home to grab ID, then realizing it's too late. She was waiting outside in the car, so I went out to show her the time was wrong and it was too late to go. And she yelled at me for acting like it was her fault. Which I wasn't trying to do, but okay. A little baseless resentment there, yeah.
So. No detention for me today. I believe that means 1 day suspension, which is going to suck for college. And, of course, residual guilt. Apparently the public school has this court thing called a SARB, which is apparently pretty nasty. If I end up having to deal with that I guess I'll work it out somehow. Either way, today has definitely sealed my groundedness for the summer. In fact, it practically guarantees they'll try to keep me out of Shakespeare Camp. I don't know what I'll do if I can't go. I mean, I was keeping backup money just in case. However, they might not let me go anyway. I could try VTA. I'm not allowed to, though.
But, hell, I've already failed enough. Once and always, no? So who cares. I'll probably fight for it. Right now I feel too tired and self-loathing to care.
This is a sucky update after howevermany months. I've been trying not to whine [FAIL. EPIC.] | | comments: comment-luff or Tell me you love me: |
| The cat eats hats. The cat is fat. Where is that cat? I want my hat. I hate that cat. He ate my hat.
I love to test the Flesh Reading Ease in Microsoft Word. So much fun.
Why is that cat so fat? Have you thought of his health? It is not good to be so fat. I do not think that is good for the cat. The ease with which we read this text is odd and great. The grade they give us is small. That is, oh-point-one.
100 ease, grade level 0.1-0.5
I laugh. | | comments: Tell me you love me: |
| | Subject: | eloquence [adequate?] | | Time: | 11:57 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/sick.gif) sick |
|
| I am not any good at this writing thing. Perhaps I suffer from heartfelt feelings and no words to describe them? But that leads me to an examination of those...notions...as well, and now's not the time, nor is this the place. [of course, if I can't ponder something in my own journal, then....]
Anyway. So I write 'adequately'. It's not like I couldn't have figured this out myself. I mean, that's what the PSAT and the other legions of tests are for, right? I am barely good enough at writing to pass [pass for what?] those sections, and that is all. But passing those tests shouldn't mean anything. [not, of course, that one can actually pass those tests, since they only offer percentile, with of course the exception of the CHSPE and CAHSEE...but those don't count; those weren't for fun. and they're state tests.]
So...I write adequately? Is not that phrase in itself simply a highlighting of another of my inadequacies? I do not write well. I do not write good. I write adequately.
dictionary.com:
ad·e·quate    /ˈædɪkwɪt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[ad-i-kwit] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –adjective | 1. | as much or as good as necessary for some requirement or purpose; fully sufficient, suitable, or fit (often fol. by to or for): This car is adequate to our needs. adequate food for fifty people. |
| 2. | barely sufficient or suitable: Being adequate is not good enough. |
| 3. | Law. reasonably sufficient for starting legal action: adequate grounds. |
Barely sufficient or suitable. But when is this new? I'll tell you: It's not. It's nothing new. Can not everything I do show us this? I am not enough. Am I one of those "only as a last resort" candidates? Quite possibly.
And all this means...I will have to learn. I'll find some way, I suppose. Read. Look at Strunk and White, perhaps. Start carrying my thesaurus and dictionary again. I don't know. I have to figure this out, though.
Y'know what would be really nice right now?
If I'd been told what more-than-adequate was: you're not ___, ____, and ______ and you should be, which is why you barely pass muster.
"Take me for who I am, errors and all." Ha! Let's not have a mass lowering of standards, please. I'd like to know my errors and fix them.
Perhaps then I wouldn't feel like such an idiot. [Fool? I wish.] Perhaps I wouldn't wonder if this means everything. Are my sentiments adequate? My feelings? My love? My efforts?
There's something about being expendable, perhaps because of my low quality, that really makes me wonder. And worry.
Like I said, I'll have to work on it.
And perhaps stop writing until I learn how to do so properly?
------
Things Learned From This Entry:
- I ramble/rant too much.
- Repetitive sentence structure
- Really need to work on spelling/grammar/punctuation
- No parentheses, no footnotes. Bad form.
- Same with italics; if you can't emphasize without them, you're not up to scratch.
- Drama queen?
- Really need to work on directness, it seems.
yeah. [yet another of those little in-jokes that seem to be swarming] | | comments: Tell me you love me: |
| | Tags: | joe | | Current Music: | raining on sunday [in my head] | | Current Location: | no longer bugging him over AIM | | Subject: | Whatever comes Monday can take care of itself? | | Time: | 11:39 am | | Current Mood: | devastated |
|
| So yeah. I've fucked up big time.
Joey's mad at me, but I'm even more mad at myself so it's okay. Or even. Something.
Went to the Tech with Toria yesterday. It was pretty cool. I was walking through the exhibit [yay chopped up bodies!] and mostly reading all their posters on the wall about the brain stuff [which is really what I was interested in; they mentioned 2 Nirvana songs and had a picture of the Beatles XD] and I absolutely could not stop thinking about Nadav. I don't know why. It was just "oh, he's right about that" and maybe an acknowledgment that I didn't really belong there and maybe he would. It was interesting, and normally I'd be so much more interested, and it's not that the bodies or anything were getting to me, because it's a really cool technique, but it just didn't feel right after a while. I don't know.
I did like that the poster saying that we feel first then rationalize also mentions that the rationalization part of the brain doesn't fully develop til 20something or whatever. Makes me feel a little better for not always understanding what the hell's wrong with me.
Anyway. So we went back to Toria's house and watched Les Miserables. With Liam Neeson. And Marius. OMG. I want to hug their casting person. Look at him!
okay. that expression sorta reminds me of Gerard.
anyway. brilliant actor. he was so adorable! I want to hug him.
ugh. sounding happy. not allowed to be happy. Joe's mad.
yeah. so Joe was being critical of every fucking thing at church, as always, and I was in a really crappy mood...
...then he asks me how many altar servers they have. I say two. he says he's only seen one. I say there's two, because I had seen two. he doesn't believe me. I'm squished between him and Becky, and since Becky has the aisle and can get out, she goes to look. Joey comments on the stupidity of it...
...and I say "I would go look." And he knows this. He wants something, I go do it. Sorta my job.
Apparently it's stupid to do so.
So I spent a portion of that crying. And fighting with him the entire time.
First I was hurt. Then...I dunno. There's a point after I've been hurt enough when I lash out.
And I learned something: I am expendable. To him.
So I suppose this may be the end of a friendship. More than a friendship.
I had nightmares. And then I just gave up. Or maybe he ordered me away. "Goodbye brother. Live well. Be happy."
But then I had a non nightmare. Everything was comfortable and happy and just...perfect. Like safe and having my brother back.
And I understand that one. I won't try to explain it here, but it involves me becoming more forward and stuff.
lynnablaith (12:14:10 PM): ...have you ever been to the point where you can't watch any of the "aww" scenes in movies and crap because you miss someone to the point where they hurt to see?
Joe (12:14:26 PM): um yeah
Joe (12:14:28 PM): not fun
another reason why Alanna's not having a good weekend.
but yeah.
during the course of all this thinking we worked on Escape the Room 3 together...so I guess stuff is better. Mostly.
All I wanted was a hug, y'know?
Alanna moves: indirect, light, bound. direct sometimes. | | comments: 2 comment-luffs or Tell me you love me: |
| Smashing Pumpkins - That's The Way (My Love Is) lyrics
They say that life ain't easy
They'll say your life's a crime
Destroy up all good reason
How I'm alive
They'll say that nothing matters
Not even your will to survive
Of course I love you baby
'Cause I'm alive
Yes, I'm alive
Whenever I call you out
Whenever I draw you round
Whenever is here and now
That's the way my love is
That's the way I care
You should call on me baby
I'm always there for you
Yeah, I'm always there for you
They'll say you'll lose your nerve soon
To claim identity
Disgrace our sacred promise
With no belief
Oh, how I believe in you
That's the way my love is for you
That's the way my love is for you
I feel a coming age now
I feel a dawn in me
A certain sun keeps rising
On my belief in you
That's the way my love is
That's the way I care
You should call on me baby
'Cause I'm always there for you
That's the way my love is
That's the way I care
You should call on me baby
'Cause I'm always there for you
Yeah, I'm always there for you
hellzyeah | | comments: Tell me you love me: |
| *points at userpic* he's happy. I'm happy. it's like one big fucking happyfest until I start thinking.
I went to the football game with his sister yesterday. SO fun <3. we didn't even really do anything, but still. took the dog out this morning. almost buckeye season. I'm gonna walk him more often. the weather was perfect this morning. I loved it. I wish I had had a camera. and mom wasn't home, but no one was online so...yeah. being grounded sucks. but I've been so happy! and Dakota talked to me for like an hour on Thursday [well, almost Friday morning, since it was 10:40something to 11:50something, but still Thursday] even though he was sorta busy. as guilty as I feel for taking time away from him doing work, it was really nice. even though we didn't talk about too much, and the phone cut off before we said I love you or goodnight or anything...he gets me through Fridays. Rally day. ugh. I actually really do like the rallies, but they're so loud and scary and I freak out with crowds anyway. I wonder when Daniel will notice? He seemed genuinely happy when I said that mom said I could come to the game meet. And he doesn't mind me following...he seemed to understand when I said I had
4:50 so. she got home. and now she's pretty much accusing me of ditching school.
ha. ha. ha.
fucking bitch.
5:26
Nadav makes me happy again. But he underestimates me, and at the same time... I dunno.
more later; indestructo tank for 15 minutes then more lab report.
---
Music while doing lab report [2:15ish]:
"Get Stoned" - Hinder [LUFF]
"Hey There Delilah" - Plain White Ts
"Breathe Into Me" - Red [NEW THEME SONG] [do I hear violin?]
"Hero/Heroine" - Boys Like Girls
"White Houses" - Vanessa Carlton
"Speak" - Godsmack
"Sugar We're Going Down" - Fall Out Boy
"Rollin'" - Limp Bizkit
"1985" - Bowling For Soup
"Unholy Confessions" - Avenged Sevenfold
"Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too" - Say Anything [I like, but obviously a bit sexual. musically, however]
"Number One" - Skye Sweetnam [still want her hair]
"Paralyzer" - Finger Eleven [finally I know the name!] [I wanna make you move because you're standing still]
"Wait and Bleed" - Slipknot
"Almost" - Bowling for Soup
"Work" - Jimmy Eat World
"Fat Lip" - Sum 41
"Paralyzer" - Finger Eleven [repeat for a few hours; until 5:00ish]
I've been at this since 2 or something. | | comments: Tell me you love me: |
| nightmare. about Dakota. [write up later]
&&if I just simply got another one, I'd want to use it. if I got it back, I'd want to use it.
well. what I mean is I'd be able to.
the knives are the thing.
fear can be a powerful ally. | | comments: Tell me you love me: |
|
Mostly during either 3rd or 5th last Wednesday.
iamb's food for educated dogs? | | comments: Tell me you love me: |
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frodo_alanna's journal![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/working.gif){kind=small}
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